starting things right, i'm sorry if i hurt anyone with my previous posts, or made anyone uncomfy with my actions.

currently am deciding on something.
1. Private-tise
2. Tumblr
3. Delete.
i wonder which i will choose.

the past week has been not nice for me.
mainly because those emotions that i have been keeping down for God knows how long,
somehow...erupted. shingz.
low self esteem and everything, life's no fun.
rejection by SC for 2 years of OGL, and now this, and that and this and that and this and that.
nothing's great. am i that lousy?
that feeling really sucks.
Icebergs are 10% skills, 90% character.
I guess all people see of me is the deep blue sea, the non-existant iceberg.
i've tried hard enough already.

sick of being the scapegoat of friendship problems, sick of everything.
everything that goes wrong, the blame is pushed to me.
what's so bad about me?
the one left out, the one alone, the one nobody wants,
ME.
when friends go out, how often do they think of me? seldom? rarely? never?
when i meet new people, how often do i make friends? rarely? never?
all i feel is their distaste of me, how much they irk me. gee;

am i that weird?
do i have like an extra head, eleven toes or something?
i just don't feel accepted anywhere.
when i have problems, when i feel lonely, i dont ever feel that i have someone to turn to.
they all say, turn to God, turn to God.
even when i turn to God, i still feel empty and whatever.
i turn around, looking for someone to hold on to, and i have no one.
everyone is caught up with their own lives, their own friends,
no one ever thinks of Pearly.

every year before camp, i just dread it.
i fear meeting new people, i fear the fact that i'll be rejected once again.
half the time i don't have anyone to hang out with, everyone has their FRIEND and i dont.
life typically sucks. four years i spent with one clique, and that clique simply disintegrated.
OH GREAT! *applauses* now i have no one.
yesyes i have my best friend. OH YAY. -.- but everyone's just BUSY.

well, whatever it is, i've tried.
when i find someone who really understands me, PDA comes into the picture?
OH YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
life's just gonna keep tossing this shit at me :D

everything i do is wrong now.
talking bad abt ppl, Pda, whatever.
and what they do is all right.
honestly right now, i feel as if i could die. :D

time to make more plushies.
they are the only ones who love me.
abstinence from food? gaming addiction? whipping up something nice for others? Sewing plushies for others? whatever thats gonna keep me alive but dead.
i've binged enough, time to puke it all out.
yes. i'm bulimic, depressed, whatever.
when you all laughed at me when i was fat, wonder how i felt? i bet you felt AWESOME,
cause you guys are still calling me THAT.
you must be thinking oh it's okay cause we are good friends kind of thing, oh please, wake up.
i'm a walking fridge as well, i can make u laugh with all the crap my mama genes in my head can generate.

whatever i have on my hands right now, vday comm, whatever,
i'm going to do it well.
i'm earnest when i make friends, so love me, love me not, i'll leave it up to you.
an opening to my life, a closing as well.
it's a salad, all jumbled up.
no one ever sees me for who i really am, so whether you wanna open up your eyes, its up to you.
i'm not moaning about how sucky my life is, i just want to start living life, the life that i pray i will find acceptance in.
janeh.
:)